The Secrets Of Love

(Dedication to my one and only)

“I saw that you were perfect, and so I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.” – Angelita Lim

With the month of Love coming to an end, I thought I’d share my thoughts on a lovely book I recently read, written by François Lelord. It tells the funny story of Hector, a psychiatrist who embarks on a journey to Asia, to find a friend who disappeared there. This friend of his is a scientist developing a drug that can make people fall in love, and so Hector finds himself reflecting on the secrets of love.

All through his adventures and findings, he keeps a journal where he writes down beautiful “seedlings of love”. He also lists his theory on the five components of heartache, which then lead to the five components of love. I wanted to share them here with you, however, I would recommend you read the book for a better understanding of the context in which these seedlings were created: Hector and The Secrets of Love.

Seedlings of Love

Seedling no. 1: Perfect love would be never having arguments.

Seedling no. 2: Sometimes we argue most with the people we love the most.

Seedling no. 3: You cannot win someone’s love without a fight.

Seedling no. 4: True love is not wanting to be unfaithful.

Seedling no. 5: True love is not being unfaithful (even when you want to be).

Seedling no. 6: True love is always sensing what the other wants.

Seedling no. 7: Love can be wonderful when the other senses what we want, but we must also be able to help them by expressing our desires.

Seedling no. 8: Sexual desire is essential to love.

Seedling no. 9: Needing the other is a sign of love.

Seedling no. 10: Men’s sexual desire can create many hells.

Seedling no. 11: Love and jealousy go hand in hand.

Seedling no. 12: Passion fades after two or three years of living together.

Seedling no. 13: Passion in love can be terribly unfair.

Seedling no. 14: Women always like to dream of love even when they are already in love with someone.

Seedling no. 15: In love, if we really knew what the other person was saying maybe we wouldn’t understand them at all.

Seedling no. 16: Jealousy is inseparable from desire.

Seedling no. 17: Jealousy is a sign of attachment.

Seedling no. 18: Love means sensing immediately when the other is unhappy.

Seedling no. 19: Could love be a combination of self-interest and emotions?

Seedling no. 20: Love means still seeing the other’s beauty when nobody else does anymore.

Seedling no. 21: Love proves itself when put to the test.

Seedling no. 22: Love is, smiling the moment you see one another.

Seedling no. 23: Love is like a revolving door; you go round and round, but you never manage to catch up with one another.

Seedling no. 24: Nothing eases the pain of love better than focusing on a task.

Seedling no. 25: Love is the ability to dream and to know when to stop dreaming.

Seedling no. 26: Love is resisting temptation.

Seedling no. 27: You can only have one love at a time.

The Five Components of Heartache

Neediness, Guilt, Anger, Loss of Self-esteem and Fear.

The Five Components of Love

First component: fulfilment (the other side of neediness), the simple happiness of being with the loved one, the feeling of calm when the loved one laughs, sleeps, thinks, the incomparable happiness of simply being in each other’s arms.

Second component: the joy of giving (the other side of guilt), feeling happy because we make others happy, saying to ourselves that with us the loved one has experienced joys they would not have experienced without us, that we have brought new light into their life, in the same way they have brought new light into ours.

Third component: gratitude (the other side of anger), being amazed by what we owe the loved one, the joy they have given us, the way they have helped us mature, the way they have been able to comfort and understand us, and to share our pleasures and sorrows.

Fourth component: self-confidence (the other side of low self-esteem), feeling happy to be who we are simply because the loved one loves us for who we are, with all our strengths and weaknesses. Despite our ordeals and setbacks, the criticism of others, and the cruelty of life, feeling a measure of self-confidence thanks to what really matters to us: being loved by the loved one.

Fifth component: serenity (the other side of fear), knowing that, despite life’s ups and downs and its inevitable tragic end, the loved one will be with us on this journey. The tests of time, illness, all of this will be bearable with the loved one by our side, for better or for worse, in happiness as in adversity.

Sarah the Digital GypSea

Romania, February 2021