Ayahuasca: My Most Profound Inner Experience

''Ayahuasca helps to see inside of yourself and outside of yourself at the same time.'' - Rima Danielle Jomaa

Six weeks ago, while on holiday in Las Terrenas, Dominican Republic, I reached out to an expat couple who run a plant medicine retreat that had captured my attention on Instagram. Since watching Dr. Gabor Maté's Netflix documentary on psychedelics and plant medicines, I knew this was a journey I wanted to embark on. I hoped it might be the key to easing or even curing my anxiety and OCD.

I’ve never been one to experiment with drugs. I rarely drink, I don’t smoke, and I generally avoid anything that might leave me feeling vulnerable. Yet after two years of researching psychedelics and exploring options on the island, I was both eager and sceptical. The Dominican Republic is notoriously strict when it comes to drugs, and many such experiences here operate under the radar — held deep in the woods with large groups of strangers and foreign shamans I wasn’t ready to trust.

What drew me to this retreat was its intimacy. Set in an authentic villa perched atop a mountain, overlooking both jungle and sea, the setting was ideal. When I arrived near six in the evening, I was warmly welcomed and shown to a charming bedroom. I met the host, who also facilitated the Ayahuasca ceremony, and another first-time participant, an expat like myself. We introduced ourselves, and our guide explained what Ayahuasca is — its origins, how it’s prepared, and how it works. He reassured us that, despite being in an altered and heightened state, we would still be able to walk, talk, and interact if necessary.

After sipping something to prepare our digestive systems, we moved to the outdoor terrace and were offered Rapé, a strong tobacco inhaled through the nose, which is meant to clear the sinuses. I felt the sensation all the way to my ears.

We each laid down on floor mats with blankets and a small bin by our sides, just in case. We were warned that vomiting or needing to rush to the nearby restroom were normal side effects of the purging process. As we rested, meditative music filled the air, setting the tone for what was to come. After about half an hour, we drank a small cup of Ayahuasca. Given my hypersensitivity, I requested a mild dose. Lying back down, I let the music wash over me, and within thirty minutes, I began to experience an extraordinary journey.

The trance lasted several hours. At first, I was surrounded by fantastical imagery — dragons, snakes, fairies, and other mystical figures paraded in vibrant, luminescent colours against a pitch-black backdrop.

Then, something deeper began to unfold. I saw my brain’s synapses connecting to the stars. Physically, I was lying on a mat under the night sky, but with my eyes closed, I saw this alternate reality — a stunning web of bright, electrical connections linking my brain to the cosmos, as if the stars themselves were drawing energy from me.

Following that, I saw this sort of half dragon, half man figure coming up several times, blowing rage and love at me, trying to intimidate me, and trying to love me at the same time. He was both intimidating and loving, expressing rage and affection in equal measure. He symbolised my now deceased father, and I told him how much I loved him, that I forgave him. I also told him I missed him dearly, that I understood him, and I thanked him for everything he had done for me, knowing he did the best that he could for me. It was a powerful and healing moment.

I then saw my mother in the form of a flower, hidden behind a white mask. The mask represented this kind of barrier between her and me, a barrier I could not cross or see through. But I then felt this hot wave of intense and unconditional love bypass her and come to me from behind her, in the most intense and invading way. I felt it in my chest, and in my stomach. This was a very intense phase of the overall process I experienced that night. As if I was receiving all the unconditional love, care, warmth and compassion I had never received from my mother, but somehow, mother nature was now giving me all of that I deserved.

Then followed an ecstatic sense of worthiness and entitlement to be seeing, an entitlement to success. I saw myself in a beautiful dance of people propelling me to the top of a human pyramid, celebrating, supporting and adulating me all at once. It was a joyous affirmation of my worth and success, a beautiful realisation that I deserved to be seen and appreciated.

But not all of the journey was celebratory. I saw my husband melting away from me, a reflection of the marital struggles we were facing at the time. This realisation filled me with sorrow and made me recognise how deeply I love both him and our children. In the midst of this, I felt an urge to reconnect, so I sat up, reached for my phone, and sent him a message of love and gratitude.

I went on to seeing all sorts of mystical luminescent figures floating and dancing around on a dark background. Mostly tribal figures from South America, as well as ancient warriors from Asia, but also hybrid aquatic creatures. All this perhaps symbolising my travels and the most exotic cultures I've seen.

Lastly, I had a surprising pitch black moment before drifting to sleep. I saw nothing, felt nothing, yet I was there, my consciousness was there, I could see and feel the darkness. It's like I was floating in space, without gravity. I was in a state of astonishment at first, but then happy and comfortable just being all, and being nothing at the same time. Being alone, in a completely isolated, empty and unknown place, without any time or space bearings.

I dozed off for a while and the leader woke me to ask if I wanted to go sleep in my room. So I accepted and went upstairs but it took me a while to find my way. I was really disoriented and felt very nauseous. Every time I opened my eyes, it felt like I had 3D glasses on. And every strong emotion caused by the visualisations earlier that night had led to upsetting my stomach, so because I had already thrown up and gone to the restroom, at this point I had nothing left in me, which was a relief. But my coordination and balance were completely off, I turned off the light because it bothered my vision so much, but then it took me forever to turn on the fan, close the curtains, shower and finally lay down. I couldn't fall back asleep for what-seemed-to-be an eternity. And when I finally did, I had another even more shocking pitch black episode, but this time, with my eyes open!

I abruptly woke up and opened my eyes to find nothing but darkness and silence. For a while I thought it was normal, waiting for my vision to perhaps adjust to the bedroom's darkness. But after a while I realized I still saw nothing, and more strikingly, I no longer heard the ceiling fan's rotations as I had noticed earlier. I then realized what was happening and remained very perplexed for a while, trying to understand and assimilate the experience. I could feel my eyes open and shut. But I found myself in the same pitch black space without gravity. I remained there for a little while, torn between fear and curiosity. Then I finally closed my eyes and fell back asleep.

The next day I woke up near nine in the morning, to the leader's knock on my door announcing breakfast. I joined him and the other expat at the dining table, we had a very calm and philosophical discussion over a delicious and healthy meal, the leader helping us process and integrate our experience.

I learned that for a mild and first time experience, my visualizations were quite meaningful, my overall emotions were mostly happy and positive ones, and my ability to reach one of the highest meditative state - the pitch black experience - quite an achievement on its own. Not just once, but twice! The second pitch black experience with my eyes open, I was told, was the opening of my "third eye". The concept of a third eye is not based on scientific evidence but one that has existed throughout history in spiritual and religious traditions, such as Taoism, Buddhism, and Hinduism, and is believed to tie to a person’s intuition which I can identify to, for I am a very intuitive person in general.

Overall, this Ayahuasca journey really opened my perspective on spirituality and the thought of something much bigger than myself or what I know of myself. It also empowered me, gave me confidence and a higher self-esteem. Not in a general nor very visible way on the surface, rather in small everyday inner thoughts. It's giving me permission to listen, pay attention, understand, accept, validate and act on my inner thoughts when I'm in doubt or when I find myself in a challenging situation. The shift is subtle, but so meaningful and important to me.

I wish to repeat this experience in the future, as I am told every single Ayahuasca journey is different and brings its benefits. What I will do better next time is really follow the recommended diet a few days prior to the ceremony, and even fast as much as possible several hours before. To me, those recommendations make sense because the emotions strongly act on the body's digestive system causing it to purge itself, and so in my opinion, the more empty the body is, the less it will react and interfere with the heightened mental and emotional process going on.

I'd also recommend a private ceremony with less possible distractions and people. A peaceful setting was essential to me being able to feel safe and completely surrender to the experience.

A really compassionate, experienced and trustworthy guide is of the utmost importance.

And the music... the music for me was really the conducting wire to every single visualisation. Each pitch, beat, rhythm, style and melody composed a certain type of visualisation. For me, low pitch and strong beats gave life to masculine and powerful representations, as the higher pitches and slow melodies imprinted feminine and graceful images. Tribal sounds projected ancient or indigenous figures from different parts of the world.

Last but not least, your intention is what matters most in this experience. If you are truly willing to surrender yourself to the unknown, ready to face your deepest thoughts and fears with compassion and acceptance for yourself and others who affected your life, and if you are seeking a healing experience, then your Ayahuasca journey should be worth every second of your time.

In all, it was for me a transcending, life-changing, spiritual, artistic, humbling, eye-opening and healing experience. I thank the people and close ones who put me on this path.

"These are the soul's changes. I don't believe in ageing. I believe in forever altering one's aspect to the sun. Hence my optimism." - Virginia Woolf

Sarah the Digital GypSea

Dominican Republic, October 2023